Sunday, February 26, 2006
Emancipation
Saturday, February 25, 2006 was the day I died. I had no idea that death would come so easy and so painless. Yet, as I'm typing this out I do feel pain and some anguish behind it. I didn't want my life to be cut short, especially without my permission or without me having any control over it. As they say, "Shit happens."
You see, for the past four or five years I have been chronicling my life. Every good and bad decision I made, every kinky sexual encounter I experienced, every prayer, every simple thought, every argument with my mother and every frustration I had with my life was all typed out and posted within the virtual pages of my diary. Perhaps this was just a way for me to literally see what I was doing to myself and place some kind of understanding with it. Sometime ago, in mid-chronicling, I decided I would turn my life into a book. So, as my life evolved, so did my work of fiction that is loosely based on my life.
Spoiled by technology, I took for granted the luxuries of going paperless. I never gave a thought about the failures of simple mechanics. Just as we all think that our youth is infinite, I felt the same way about my online journal. I just assumed that my legacy, good or bad, would be in print and amongst the millions of data traveling along that great information super highway. After all, my journal was available through the various search engines.
Now I know better.
Two weeks ago, what started out as simple hard drive growing weary rapidly turned into a critical surgical movement to recover any information on the drive. My pulse, my writing, grew weaker as the days passed. I silently prayed for a miracle, for some divine intervention to step in. Guess I didn't pray hard enough, because all that is left is a white screen with some scribble on it. My epitaph...
"Here Lies BlackVeleteen: July 31, 2002 - February 25, 2005"
(By the way, Blackvelveteen was my nickname in the former life.)
Saving the hard drive was out of the so called "techies" realm. They tried, but in their efforts they only destroyed the drive, making it unreadable or only able to pick up fragments of information.
Ironically, for two years I struggled with an ending for my book. The year 2005 would have actually served as my ending, but just as I was ready to sort through those thoughts, my life was taken.
In all honesty, all really isn't lost. I have much of what was written in a backup file, except for the latter part of 2005. It was those moments in the last part of last year that were particularly critical in my life. So, now when I revisit my book I must pull from memory as much as possible about a certain event in time.
Yet, as I think about my friend LAF, and what she told me yesterday, "Everything happens for a reason," I'm inclined to believe there is some sort of epiphany with all of this. You see, for last few weeks I've been thinking in retrospect about my life. I went back and re-read past journal entries and wondered had I had grown from the "girl" I once was. In the midst of such thinking, I laid down one night and had a peculiar dream. There is no doubt in my mind that it was about growth and whatever newness to come in my life. The symbols were there;
- Old schoolmates from grade school looking like how I last saw them
- I was the only only one looking as I should now
- A baby, which automatically means newness
-Me blurting out the word "Serenity" and suddenly realizing the calm environment around me.
For the longest time I had been bound by my demons of depression, loneliness and trying to live up to the standards of others, mainly my mother. It wasn't until the latter part of 2005 that I broke free. By the start of this year, 2006, I felt myself moving forward with the transition but I still felt stuck in mid-air with no where to land. For a while, I grew anxious and waiting to coming out of this transition. Actually, I still feel this way.
Now, with my virtual death that occurred over the weekend and a promising opportunity that seems to be headed my way, I feel as if I have been freed once and for all from the past. So it is here, that I will chronicle my life in transition.
Saturday, February 25, 2006 was the day I was reborn.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
1:21 AM ::
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