Tuesday, August 29, 2006
It Won't Let Go
There is a song from Erykah Badu's World Wide Underground cd called "I want You." The lyrics go a little something like this...
love is on the way/ all I got to say is/It wont let go/you can pray to early May/fast for 30 days/still It wont let go/got good book and got all in it/tried a little yoga for a minute//but it wont let go (oooh)tried to turn the sauna up to hotter/drank a whole jar of holy water/but it wont let goI saw Mr. S over the weekend, and ever since I've been like this. The flirtaticious moves, the slight innuendo conversations, and that was all just between Friday night into Saturday afternoon. By Saturday evening, everything had took it's toll and I became my restless self. So I did what I normally do when I have a car handy. I took a drive, but not too far. I rode to Tyson's Corner in Virginia to try to get my mind off of him, to stop weighing the pros and cons of being with him, and to stop trying to analyze every damn detail of our time together the evening before.
It didn't work. I managed to buy a few things, perhaps a few items I didn't need and still found no cure for this "Mr. S-itis" I have. What scares me is the fact that somehow I see this friendship or whatever it is going in the same direction or path that I went down when it came to Mr. X at my old job. The flirting and then the pulling away or in Mr. S' case... a disappearing act due to traveling. There are still many questions swirling in my mind, but somehow I let the chance slip by without asking them. Just as I felt with Mr. X, I feel as though I'm dealing with a jigsaw puzzle. The sad thing is, I most likely don't have to really deal with this.
So why not just leave it alone? I can't. It's strange. I want to leave it alone, but each time we talk I'm intrigued by him. I love the fact that he is humble, he posses a business savy persona, he can still crack jokes like a kid, he can be a true gentleman and the fact that he appears to be mysterious just makes me hunger for him even more.
Strange. As we were amongst our gathering of friends over the weekend, another friend and I were talking and he complained that he hadn't spoken to me in the last few months. I jokingly told him that I have a life and Mr. S chimed in,
"Am I included in your life?"To be honest I really didn't know how to answer him. I want him in my life, but parts of me are a bit scared. Somehow I still feel like I'm in a fragile state when it comes to entering a new friendship or a relationship with a man. Mainly because I'm just tired of guessing. I'm tired of all the analyzing, but yet I keep doing it. I'm tired of my insecurities getting the best of me.
No. It's not that I'm not open to love. I'm just exhulstated of going after something that I want and while it may show interest in me, it's not trying hard enough, if at all, to meet me halfway.
and in the worse kinda way/I want you/so what we gone doooo/now what we gone doSo for now, I will just gladly stay to myself, until I think I have this all figured out.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
12:29 AM ::
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