Friday, March 31, 2006
Dreaming While On My Honeymoon
A year ago, if you would have told me that I would be working with a publication for a public relations firm, I would not have believed you. A year ago my future seemed to be unclear. There was nothing but this dense fog that blackened everything for me. I knew something was waiting for me…something that was better than what I was dealing with, but I just wasn’t sure. I simply would have doubted the possibility, because life seemed to have been turning into a gaping black hole for me. Yet, something wouldn’t let me give up so easily. I fought like hell for a change in my life. Every agonizing thought, decision made, prayer and tear stained pillow was for the sake of my sanity and the push to make my dreams a reality.
All my life I have been a dreamer. I’m not sure exactly when did I know I wanted to be a writer, but ever since I was just some kid wearing plaits I knew I wanted to leave my mark in this world some kind of a way. My mode of dreaming has routinely been me sitting in the middle of my bed with headphones firmly attached to my ears. Music laid the foundation, cultivated and produced my dreams. To this day, when I want to retreat from life’s headaches, I quickly placed the earphones on and sail away to another place and time. Music is my muse, my soul, my soundtrack to life, my lover, my best friend outside of myself and my savior.
In listening to music I’ve always dreamed big. As a kid, in my head I was the famous nobody that everyone on this great earth found fascinating. I was a rocker chic that rebelled against society. I was the CIA spy or assassin working on covert operations. I was a model, perhaps even a plus size one and strutted down the catwalk for a Lane Bryant fashion show in New York during Fashion Week. I’ve been the perfect girlfriend for this boy or that boy, maybe even the perfect wife. Then I grew up.
Even though I’ve gotten older, most of those childish dreams have faded away into oblivion, while others are hidden just beneath or behind a shadow. I still dream big, but nowadays I see myself more of a chameleon, mainly a champion for the underdogs of society…the ones whose voices want to be heard, but no one wants to hear them. Yeah, I’ll admit I still have the occasional day dream of being some model, but simply by accident…yanno just off the humble of being some well-known figure. Okay, and I still may fantasize about being with this guy or that one, but the majority of my big dreaming is about me showing off my talents and sharing with a community of people. I dream of being a mentor for the youth. I still have visions of the documentary I want to work on concerning mental health issues with Black women. I’m still working on my ultimate dream, being a published author.
Whenever I decided that I wanted to be a writer and even going into journalism, I dreamed of being this big time editor of a magazine. At the time when I had the idea, I pictured myself working with a fashion magazine, namely
Mode.
Mode was a magazine whose audience consisted of women that are considered plus size, those size 12 (some 10) and up. I loved
Mode because it wasn’t extreme as being high end or low end. The fashion concept was very moderate and it worked for all levels. It was very “hip” and upbeat. Unfortunately the magazine went under right after the September 11 attacks and shut down its operations. My dreams of being “this” editor seemed far in reaching.
Now I am fast forwarding to right now and even reflecting a bit on all that has taken place with me in the last year that has lead to this moment. I realized that even though my dream job with
Mode will never happen, I never really stopped dreaming or having the desire to be some kind of editor and writer. There are four things in my life I cannot deny; God, my family, music and writing. No matter how hard I try to deny any one of these things, it comes back to me…strong.
I’ve tried to deny writing plenty of times, but it haunts me. Even when I write junk, know that I’ve written a piece of trash and want to give it up then, it laughs in my face and mocks me. So, back then when I so-called did away with the desire of being an editor (and perhaps being a writer) because Mode was terminated, I basically set some kind of cosmic joke in motion.
As I have been thinking about the duties I have been performing this week on the new job, it finally hit me that I am doing what I love and want to do. I’m researching, writing and editing a publication that is for a national organization. I’m doing what I dreamed. However, this is the thing that tripped me out as I thought about it. The magazine is fairly new. It’s only about a year and a half old and it lacks organization. Before I was hired, I was told that while the publication already has a team of people (3 females) working with it, the firm was looking for something that could help steer the magazine in the right direction and to take it to the next level or grow with it. At the time when I was told this, I knew what it meant but I didn’t know what it meant. I know… how could I be confused about something that is in plain view? It’s hard to explain. It was just a confusing feeling for me at the time.
It wasn’t until I started the job and dove right into the responsibilities that I fully understood what is going on with me. It all boils down to one word…growth. Surely, I couldn’t expect to just jump into some big time publication and try to run a few things with only a half of a portfolio filled with sporadic freelance and internship worthy articles. Instead, I was sent to work with a small firm, with a not so glamorous pay, but a priceless experience and network of people (heavy hitters in the corporate world).
What’s even funnier, now that I think about it, every now and then I would say one of those drive-by prayers. Yanno, it’s the kind of prayer when you aren’t really in prayer mode but you are thinking it or saying it aloud. My drive-by would probably be something like this;
“Lord, I just need the perfect fit for a job. Something that will use me for my writing skills, challenging but not so demanding.”
Or something like this;
“I need to work in a colorful environment.”
I know I’ve said a variation of the first drive-by plenty of times and the second one….hmph… I’ve said that line so much it basically became some kind of affirmation. What’s funny about my prayer is that I feel like I have been given what I asked for. I love how the staff is only about seven people. I love how Mr. Yellow doesn’t seem to be one of those micromanagers. He understands that he is working with a team of creative people. We, meaning anyone with a daring creative bone in their body, are a different species on this earth. We can’t be confined to just one concept or another. We have to test the range of any and everything. That’s what Mr. Yellow allows us to do. Basically, he briefly outlines the concept of what the client wants and he leaves it to us to have the creative range we need to produce the product. Besides, he is hardly in the office as he is always out meeting with clients. So, we have no choice but to take the initiative to come up with ideas and such on our own.
As for the magazine, while it does have some type of foundation it’s in the perfect position to be molded. I see this as a challenge, which I love and it gives me some type of motivation. I think….no… I believe that the underlining divine reason why I was given this opportunity is because it represents how I’m in an evolving stage in my life. A foundation was laid for me a long time ago. The foundation was created by my parents, grandparents, my siblings, extended family and even some friends. Each person that is a part of any of the categories contributed some kind of way to who I am. However, they don’t define me. Now, here I am almost 30 and I’m just now beginning to become molded and take the form of who I am truly.
True, this is only the first week at the firm and I am still in the honeymoon stage as I’m feeling my way through. Maybe what I am writing at the moment is just that…for the sake of being in the honeymoon stage of things. Nevertheless, I’m still embracing what’s to come and still dreaming big. There’s still something more for me. I feel it and I want it… in the most humble way of course.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
7:50 PM ::
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