Monday, February 27, 2006
Revisiting My Mantra
(I had written about this in my former journal as Blackvelveteen@Diary-X, but like the rest of my past within those pages, It was taken from me. So here is to revisiting....)A few days into the New Year I took on a mantra for this point in time of my life.
It started with me listening to the track "Let's Be Young" by New York City house music dj, Quentin Harris. I don't know what it was about the song that embraced me. There are no words. It's just a hypnotic beat with synthesized sounds, some bass, violins and blaring horns. The song stayed on repeat for days. Even when I didn't actually play the song, the tune still repeated itself inside my head.
Then, a funny feeling occurred one evening as I stood in the kitchen. A sudden tidal wave called fear consumed me. You see, I've been in a transitional phase since August when I resigned from my Federal government job. I completely stepped out on faith, but worried that perhaps I might have not helped in the progression of my life but contributed to the regression. I've been working as a temp and looking into freelance gigs until I find something that suits me and my writing talent. As I stood in the kitchen and thought about my financial woes and how money is coming in awfully slow I felt a little dismayed.
While 2005 was about change, towards the end I began to feel weary. It was mainly due to my mother's mini stroke that occurred a few weeks before the Thanksgiving holiday. Then was the continuing saga of helping my grandmother who is the sole caregiver of her husband who is in recovery of a stroke that he had last April. By the year's end I begin to feel nonchalant, because I was trying to focus on family and my own destiny at the same time. It was draining and yet perplexing at times because my life had become so pivotal that I just didn't know which way to swing.
As soon as that rush of fear came over me, almost in the same breath, I found myself in utter contentment. I smiled and said,
"Life is good."
As my thoughts further roamed, I had another feeling. I felt as if I have something to celebrate, but I didn't know what. Now I do know... It's life!!!! For so long I've been bound by the sadistic spirits of fear, loneliness and doubt. Somehow I managed to break free.
It was then that I reminded myself of how change does not occur overnight. It comes slowly. Transitions are bascially stages of metamorphosis. For the longest time I always identified with the spirit of a butterfly. What sadden me was the fact that I felt I had my wings, but something or someone had them bound. Perhaps it was me. Afterlife, we can be our own worse enemy.
So, it was in that moment that I took on the mantra "Let's Be Young." While youth physically isn't infinite or immortality, in our hearts it can be. Youth affords us the opportunities to accomplish anything we desire. As long as we think and know that we are young, we tend to strive for whatever it is we desire.
My desire?
I want to live. Funny, here I am at 26 and I feel like I've only begun to live.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
6:34 PM ::
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