Monday, October 02, 2006
Make Me Over, but Don't Make Me Over
Last night I was watching one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City. In the episode titled "The Real Me," Carrie finds herself pondering over an invite to participate in one of New York's hippest fashion shows. In all her modesty, she questioned if she really was high fashion, runway material. After all, what made her so special to be a model? After a little push from her gal pals, including Stanford, the "boy friend," and reassurance that she would be able to keep the threads from the designers that hand picked her to model their stuff, she said yes.
What makes me love this episode so much is Carrie's modesty and her honest realization that she is just an ordinary person and she is pretty pleased with that. I also love the fact that her ordinary, girl next door looks could easily be transformed into some kind of - for lack of better words - a sexy siren. With a few added hair extensions and a nice but not overly done make up job, Carrie strutted down the catwalk in stilettos, a pair of jeweled Dolce and Gabbana panties and a beautiful satin deep purple trench coat. Of course the comic relief in all of this is Carrie falling flat on her face before she could get down the runway good. Yet, she managed to get up, dust herself off and strut. Needless to say she did receive a standing ovation in applause and cheer, including a high five from supermodel Heidi Klum, for her act of runway bravery.
In watching that episode (for the God only knows how many times), it only reminded me more of how I desperately want to reinvent myself. The funny thing is, the more I think about reinventing myself, the more the thoughts become this huge snowball of other thoughts. Basically, I’m led to believe that I need a whole renovation of my life. Things or status levels that I longed for at 22 and 23 I'm still longing for - a more financial stable life, a place to call my own, a job I'm in love with and can say I'm fulfilled by and a special companion to share my all with.
I remind myself time and time again that I've come a long way from being the isolated and tormented soul I use to be. I’m grateful for having made it through that dark portion of my life and was able to make significant strides. However, there is still more to go. There are still things that I desire to accomplish, with my two biggies - finally pushing out my novel to print and the documentary I'm slowly but surely piecing together to pitch/propose. I guess in the end I do want to be "That Girl." Yanno, the one that is turning heads in a room from my accomplishments and beyond without uttering a word. I guess I do desire some portion of the limelight, but not for the sake of being vein.
There is this song called "Don't Make Me Over" that Dionne Warwick sung back in the day. A singer called Sybil in the early 90s later remade it.
Don't make me over/ Now that I'd do anything for you/ Don't make me over/ Now that you know how I adore youDon't pick on the things I say, the things I do/ Just love me with all my faults, the way that I love you/ I'm begging youWhat's funny is, as much as I desire to have some kind of a make over in my life done, I fear having it. I have a fear of loosing parts of myself that I hold dear, especially my humbleness. I don't ever want to loose that part of me. So what exactly do I want to change? It's kind of hard to tell. I want to change my outside appearance - my hair, my wardrobe, even a better makeup job. I try, but somehow in my efforts, I still manage to be this low-key, eclectic, quasi bohemian-like chic. On the inside, I would like to add a little more self confidence. There are still some parts of me that feels like this shy and docile little girl. On a few occassions I've had people tell me I should be more assertive, but I tend to pick and choose my battles. I don't jump out and voice my opinion at the drop of every dime. If I feel the need to be assertive then I will be. Otherwise, I kind of accept (my) life for what it is.
Accept me for what I am/Accept me for the things that I do/Accept me for what I am/Accept me for the things that I doAt the beginning of the year I did declare that 2006 was a year of transition. I also declared a mantra of some sort of being young and living. So far, both my declarations have not failed me. I feel myself fighting in a way, contemplating and still transitioning into something that seems to be beyond me. In the midst of all of this, I have managed to live a calmer life with a few occssions of living on that edge between the person I use to be and the person I'm transitioning to be.
Maybe that's it! maybe the make over I'm desperatly seeking won't happen until this transition phase is complete. Maybe I need to comppletely purge myself of all the dead weight that I still may be carrying from the past in order to press on. Maybe that's what's holding me back, the leftover dead weight that lives in nooks and crannies and refuses to leave.
By the end of the year, I hope to purge whatever demons are left. I hate being stuck in one emotional place.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
10:40 PM ::
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