Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Smack My Bitch Up!
It took everything in my power to restrain from striking one good blow to May's head this evening.
I was already a bit irritated at the fact that Mr. Yellow called me into his office this morning and acted like he was going to put total blame on me for the further delay of the summer issue. In so many words I was trying to let him know that it really wasn't my fault. I had done my job to ensure that the editorials were in, but as far as the ads go... either a company was dragging their feet about submitting an ad or May was constantly making new contacts and sending over new insertion orders. However, in my stammering to find the right things to say, I don't think I communicated that point effectively. Nevertheless, today's brief meeting with Mr. Yellow was a bit pointless and a total waste of my time.
During the course of the day, I was in an okay mood, but I had Prodigy's
Fat of the Land cd in my computer drive with
Smack My Bitch Up on repeat. I was in a serious work/writing mode as I was editing and revising an article for another publication for the firm. I spoke to May during the course of the day and I was fine until a conference call that caused my irritation to come back. The conference call was with a potential sponsor for the networking reception we are planning for the magazine. Actually my irritation was towards both, May and the lady in the potential sponsor's office. Neither was listening to the other. The end result, a slightly nasty email from the lady asking that we no longer contact her.
By the time May came into the office to pick up her package, it was hitting close towards the end of the work day and I was in the process of wrapping the last article I had been working on. At first, I wasn't bothered by her visit much. As she spoke I tried to listen, but my mind was steadily concentrating on what I was writing. Then, she went to get a look at the layout of the magazine. When she called to me, I went to see what was up.
To my surprise she had much to say about the cover of the issue. Now, I'm open to any suggestions, comments and opinions, but what she said today just really rubbed me the wrong way. For one, the cover concept was to have for the leading female entrepreneurs featured in the publication to appear up front as leaders. Behind them the young ladies of the the tea society would stand in as future entrepreneurs. The concept actually worked for the cover. However, May seemed to have a problem with the fact that the young ladies were in hats. I reminded her that the photoshoot took place during annual fashion show of the tea society and even told her that the hats are part of what the society is all about. The hats go along with their ettiqute training.
When she made the comment that the "
girls look like they are out in a field in South Carolina picking cotton," I shot her this glare. Then she continued to say that "
some of the girls shouldn't have been in the picture," because they weren't photogenic enough. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?! Then she questioned the concept of the photo.
I tried to hold my irritation in, but I could tell it was seeping out as she did as well. She tried to back up and say she was just being real, but as I further explained the whole thing about the hats in relation to the tea society and what their mission is as far as helping out disadvantage youth, her comment came out as superficial as my wig I had on today.
"I wish I would have known, I would have gone to the shoot or tried to see if I could get someone to come in and do their make up, or I would have donated some clothes or something." I was getting ready to explain that was not the point for the show, but I saved my breath. Obviously she doesn't know how big or how well known the society's fashion shows are, especially when you have "The Who's Who" of the fashion world there. Then she continued to question the concept of the photo and when one of the designers told her that I had, she tried to soften up by saying, oh the concept is good, but she doesn't think the photographer captured it right. With the rest of the designers standing around and getting a good look at the photo, they got the concept and found the photo to be fine.
I really wanted to tell May to fuck off. I guess... no... I KNOW... I'm taking her comments a bit personally, because not only is this issue that is coming out my baby, but the "young ladies" in that photo are my babies too. As a member of that society, I know what they stand for and I know what it means to wear those hats. While I may not be as active as I should be, I still care about everyone that participates. To hear someone call "my babies" some children wandering aimless in a cotton field.. well for lack of better words..... those are fighting words.
Yet, I'm a grown woman (so they say) and I pick and choose my battles. I walked away from her in an attempt to calm down some before I said the wrong thing. My irritation was pretty obvious by then, because as I walked away May whined,
"Don't be maaaaaaaaaaaaad."I had very little to say to her for the rest of the time she was there. I gathered my things and closed up shop for the evening. Unfortuantely, my ride couldn't come and pick me up fast enough as may continued to make conversation with me. I spoke, to not seem fully rude, but in all honesty what she said went in one ear and out the other.
What's funny is, everything that has taken place in the last couple of weeks, between Mr. Yellow's bull headedness and May's latest comments has me seriously thinking about how long do I want to stay with the firm. Granted I just got the job a few months ago, today I did something I haven't done since March. I briefly cruised Craigslist online, but mainly looking for a freelance gig and maybe subconsciously looking for something a bit better and bit more organized.
I don't know how to explain it, but I feel as if I'm caught up in some kind of superficial world, especially when I'm working with May. Everything is about the money. I understand it, especially from a business perspective, but somehow I feel that it's really not me. Again, I don't know how to explain it right now, but I feel as if the agenda is called "being selfish." Everything is about going for self, especially when it comes to Mr. Yellow and May. I'm like that to a certain degree, but overall I like to give, especially when the means to do so is right in front of me. I'm not so cut throat or highly aggressive as they are. One thing I miss about my old job, is being around level headed people such as JM and Ms. C and even Ms. J. One of the things that I still think about, is JM's words to me on the day I left.
"Keep positive people in your life."In the midst of all of this, I've been thinking a little bit more about the charity event that I would give next summer. I want to do something for the youth. I've been mentally hashing out how do I combine my love for music, especially underground music with the youth here in DC, and if I can, tie in some of the kids in the community where Nisha's student's are from in Pompano, Fl. Maybe that's a bit ambitious, but I know that is a future part of Shekinah's mission once the non-profit side is established.
Yet, in all my thinking, today was the day that fully confirmed...my transition period isn't over. This is still just the beginning as I'm still morphing into something stronger and starting to realize and understand even more... who I am.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
9:43 PM ::
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