Saturday, June 24, 2006
Old Habits Die Hard
Maybe his mother is right...there is some kind of mental competition that took form between us and maybe I am enjoying it. After all, it was me that set the trap knowing he would fall for it. Maybe his friend is right, I am winning. Whatever this is, I want it to stop, but I'm in this too deep. As soon as a way out is offered I set forth a decree that I'm gone. Yet, I stick around. Why? It's going back to the whole sadistic way my mind works when it comes to him and I.
Is it love, lust or is it me just holding on to an ill fated dream of what could have been verses what the reality is? I'm a walking loaded gun that is in the middle of a game of Russian Roulet. What I fear is, in all that I am doing... all that I say... all that I write about him.. all that I give up to him.. the gun is not pointed at him, but my gun.. myself... is pointing right back at me.
Maybe I am a masochist afterall. I like the self infliction of mental and emotional pain. When did it get this far? How could I have let it go this far? Maybe it's not the affection I seek afterall. Maybe it's the pain of it.
If only I were dumb... that way I wouldn't know any better.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
10:34 PM ::
1 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------oOo---------------