Thursday, March 23, 2006
I Can't Hep But Wonder...
So much is in my head right now, but I can't seem to organize my thoughts. Maybe it's because since I've been back from my mini vacation to New York, I've been resting and partly thrown into another full throttle mission.
For one, just before I left last week, I was offered the job with the public relations firm that I had intervewed with about a month ago. There was a lot of back and forth with it as I didn't called back for a second interview until about two weeks ago. What made it more interesting was the fact that I managed to pull that interview off while recovering from food poisoing and a bad acid reflux experience. 90 percent of me had recovered by the time I met with the guy, but I was still breaking out into fevers. The weather has been so janky lately as to if it's going to be below zero this day or in the 80's the next, that it didn't help the situation at all that day. Still I managed to pull through and got the job as a writer/editor/researcher with one of the firm's publications for the Minority Business Association.
The pay isn't much, but I understood that going in, especially since this is a new position he created and only alloted a certain amount for the budget. I had to meet him halfway to start, but I do have a feeling that this can grow into something a lot bigger, and I do mean something more than financial wise.
Things with Shekinah publishing are picking up, but sometimes I feel like either my heart isn't in it like it should be or that I'm scared that I'm going to let Nisha down. She puts so much faith in me with this company.. this business venture. Sometimes it's a bit much. I want to help her in any way I can, but I guess what frustrates me is how we seem to be all over the place right now. There are still some legal issues that need to be ironed out, but in recent months, Nisha has been able to pull in book engagements. We've already been invited and booked for next year's Zora Neal Hurston's festival, which is a huge deal in the Black literature world. Another engagement is taking place at the end of this month, which is sort of a pre-book promotional thing. Nisha will be introducing her book,
Church Girl, to a social group of high tea ladies. In talking with her briefly this evening, she thought my pre-book promoional was in May, but after reviewing her schedule, it turned out I am suppose to be with her at the end of this month at this tea event. However, it's pretty obvious I won't be able to make it on such short notice, especially since Miami isn't in my budget at the present moment.
Still, I am starting to look into arrangements in going to Miami sometime in May or June, so Nisha and I can finally sit down and iron out the last bit of legal details for the company. We make due with what we can with her being in Florida and me being here in DC. I pray that everything can smooth out. It's like, everything for the company is right there in our faces, but our motivation levels have not been on the same page. When Nisha's motivation level is down, mine is up. Then when my level is down, her's is up. Just once I would love for our motivation levels to be on the same plane. I love her to death and I just don't want to do anything to mess this up for her, especially since Shekinah is her baby. I'm just the Godmother.
In the midst of all of this, I have been thinking about this transition phase I've been going through. Since I've accepted the job with the firm and seem to be headed in a a good direction, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw.... "I couldn't help but wonder".... when and where does the transition end? Does it end simply because I set out one of my goals... which was to leave the Federal government, break away from school at the moment, protect my sanity and find a job that was more in my field and would help me get to the next level? How will I know when my transition is complete?
I think this was one of the things I was trying to verbalize with my therapist today, but couldn't. We discussed termination, and even though I do feel like I am stronger than I was before, I still feel some kind of suspicion towards the unknown. The Doc expressed that she is proud at the tremedous amount of progress I have made in just about a year. Wow, it will be a year in April since I had my first appointment with her. What she did suggest, instead of abruptly cutting the sessions, we will scale back from bi-weekly to monthly..which is something we have been doing since the beginning of the year really. I tend to like this weening process, because it has allowed me to gradually trust my instincts again.. as far as.. how to handle overwhelming situations.
One of the things I don't want to do is to use therapy is a lifelong crutch. I just needed something to help give me the extra push I needed at the time when I needed it. I needed to stop and reclaim my sanity before I had nothing left. Surely, I was spiraling down into some black hole and it was no joy ride. That was the scariest thing, to have something wrong with you, but not knowing exactly what it was. It was nothing but then again, it was something. Almost like the movie, The Neverending Story, when the creatures were running and fearing "The Nothing." It was this invisible force that destroyed any and everything. You couldn't see it, but you knew it was there.
Nevertheless, I managed to survive "The Nothing," and here I am feeling some sort of rebirth. Part of this rebirth has caused this impulsive mood in me. First it was the trip to New York. Now, I have this sudden urge to toss every peice of furniture out in my bedroom and start fresh. I want.. or rather need a new bed. I'm looking into a full size bed and found one from Crate and Barrel that I'm in love with. However, will it fit in my room? I want to toss out the desk I have with this old clunky Hewett Pakard computer I have. The damn thing didn't even roll over when 2000 came in. Instead it revert to 1900. There were computers back then? Who knew?!?!?!?! In place of the desk, I want to get a bookshelf for the mounds of books and magazines I have. I want a new dresser as well, but I'll probably wait a couple more months before doing that. The main thing is the bed, bookshelf... oh.. and a night stand.
Hopfully, my own budget can sustain all of this.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
3:03 AM ::
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