Sunday, June 18, 2006
Sundays
There is something about Sundays that make it my lowest days of them all. When I was a kid I use to hate seeing Sundays come around. It was the day that I would set aside to do my laundry and I would always have "kitchen duty" after one of parents cooked. It was also the most famous day in which my mother and I usually clashed. Like clockwork, late Sunay afternoon or early Sunday evenings, my mother would find something to fuss at me about. Sundays were the absolute worst for me as a kid.
Now that I'm an adult, while there are signs of improvement, every now and then Sunday still catches me off gaurd. Sundays are now my days of meditation and writing. The house is quiet for a good amount of the day and I'm able to rest, unless I choose to go outdoors. Yet, when I'm in my vulnerable state of mind, I tend to feel fragile and bit sensitive. A sense of longing or yearning overwhelms me. I don't know what it is.
Here it is, another Sunday, but not just any other Sunday. It's Father's Day. Last year around this time I was caught in suburbia hell as my family and I headed to Waldorf, MD to Aunt VJ's house for Father's Day dinner. Gosh I wish I didn't loose that entry on that whole experience. That Sunday was really a low one. I felt out of place as my cousins were all married with children or with children on the way. They were all living a stable life. Aunt VJ and her Father's Day trivia games was just the icing on the cake that a single person like me needed to be in the middle of. The only other person there could have felt my pain last year was my cousin K. She too is unmarried, but she is a lesbian. However, even she isn't "single" per se'. She has a constant companion.
This year, because of my family's (more so my father's) political involvement with one of the mayoral candidate's campaign, we were invited to a cookout at one of the campaign ringleaders house. I'm not big on cookouts and though local politics interest me and I try to have an active voice, I'm not that big on being bored to tears by political motor mouths. Yet, I'm going to this shingdig, all because my father asked me to spend the day with him.
Right now as I'm prepping myself for this cookout, I feel as if I'm on the verge of crying. It's weird. I'm happy for the most part, but when I feel this big empty space somewhere from deep within, that's where I feel this sense of mourning coming on. Perhaps this mourning, yearning or longing goes back to what I have been craving for since....forever. It's the wish for someone constant in my life. I just want a companion that I can consume my time for and share my happiness and all whatever else is there. I feel like I have so much to give, but I can't be appreciated right now, because no one is there.
Right now I'm fighting the urge to be totally compulsive and do something really nice for Mr. S' birthday. We haven't seen each other since last August when we met. His birthday is actually the Monday that I will be returning from Miami, but when I brought it up to him he suggested that I spend time with him either the week before or the week after. I have in mind of something that I want to do (a show at the 9:30 Club and dinner at Busboys and Poets), but I don't want to make plans and his presence isn't gaurenteed or for him to think "Why is she really doing all of this? Is she cazy?" Nor do I want him to think that I'm some desperate chic.
However, even with him, in thinking about him, a twinge of sadness consumes me. Some of it is doubt that he may not be that interested as he said he is. Some of it is fear that if something does form between us, then I may not be good enough for him. It's a sad statement, but my mind actually went there. I'm just tired of going out on the limb for someone and they aren't fighting nearly as hard as me to meet me at the halfway mark. It's happened once before and a few times over.
Earlier this past week, I came to the conclusion that I am totally bored with all of my male friends. Each one of them has their own issues and while I'm trying to be supportive, my thoughts end up drifting somewhere else. Maybe I do have Adult ADD?!?!?!?
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I just took a minute to answer a call from my grandmother. Now I really want to cry as she told me the latest abut my lil cuz Andre, and my silly Aunt P. Aunt P pulled another disappearing act this weekend. To my grandmother's shock, Andre woke up crying, screaming and hollaring.
"She left me again."
I have to rent a car next weekend to take him out. He can't go on a whole summer like this. I wonder how long the Universal Soul Circus is in town.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
2:02 PM ::
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