Sunday, April 09, 2006
He's Into Me. He's Into Me Not or What Is My Worth?
There is a house that I walk by every morning and afternoon on Capitol Hill near Eastern Market. It's not like all the usual brownstone looking homes. The front is a bit bigger and it has its own front porch. It almost looks out of place with the different shades of red, gray and brown brick homes that surround it, but it's perfect where it is. Everyday I stare at this house. No, it's not for sale and even if it were I would nowhere be in the market in buying it. I'm in love with the house, but I stare at it because to me it represents my ultimate goal....stablilty.
Anyone that knows me, knows by now that not only am I hell bent on moving out of my folks' house, but I want to buy a house of my own. Right now, while I still dream of this and working towards this goal I am fretting, but not because of financial woes or anything of the such. Lately in my thinking I feel that the house and the word stability means a lot more. I look at that house and I equate it with success in my life and others that are to come. I see family gatherings on Sundays for dinner. I see social gatherings with my friends on a Saturday night. I see all of this and I still feel a twinge of sadness.
It hit me last weekend what that sadness is. Currently, I do not have anyone special in my life to share my joys and pains with. Of course I have family and yes I have friends, but right now, I just feel like it's just me. As excited as I am about my new job and greatful to those that have expressed their happiness for me, I still feel like something or someone is missing.
During the past couple of weeks, Mr. S popped into my thoughts constantly. I'm missing him and I hate that I am. I love his humblness and his overall nature to care for others. I love our talks and I wish they were more frequent. However, he is a businessman that is always on the go. His job has him traveling to this place and that place. Meanwhile, I'm left stirring about and trying to keep myself busy with work with a million thoughts running through my head.
If he was really that interested he would make time for you.He probably does have someone and isn't coming clean.Nah, he is working. He's just a workaholic like some of the others were. He's just not that into you.Why did you have to meet someone that would cause your insecurities to surface?However, out of all the "screaming" thoughts I have had, one thought seemed to be on the only one that makes sense right now.
There is a reason why he isn't in your life...right now. Sometime last August, when I first met Mr. S, it was nothing more than some harmless crush that I wanted to brush off. What woman in her mid-twenties has a crush on a guy that is in his mid-thirties? It seemed so high school-ish. Then the more I spoke with him, the more the school girl feelings melted away and my interest in him grew. It wasn't until around the holidays that I discovered that he was feeling the same way.
It was also around that time I became worried. I knew whatever I was feeling about him was slightly different, because normally I see my life as an open book. I've kept an online journal that could be searchable on the internet for five or six years and the fact that I'm turning that journal into a published book....my business is pretty much out there. Yet, in talking with him, I wanted to close up. I wanted to be seen as flawless. For the first time in my life, everytime I spoke with him, I said silent prayers asking the Lord to make whatever it is that Mr. S and I share work out.
We tried a couple of times to go out on "dates" or just hang out, but either he was called out of town to work at the last minute, or I was tied up with family issues. I remained patient, but with the patience came frustration. I was simply upset because what I want is within reach but too far away. Then somehow I reasoned with myself on why Mr. S may not be available to me right now.
I thought it is best that I am probably not with anyone right now. While I am continuing to go through this metemorphous stage in my life, it doesn't make sense to drag someone in the cocoon with me. My cocoon is still filled with unresoloved issues, especially as they pertain to Hazel. It was just a couple of months ago when Hazel cooked me dinner after work and then I turned around a couple of nights ago and fixed a business letter for him, which in turned helped him gain a manager position in the IT department at his new job. Then there is the latest development with the married guy that won't leave me alone (see previous entry) and the fact that I could be working in a place that is brewing potential drama for this. I would hate to bring Mr. S or anyone else into my issues.
Sometimes I actually have flashback thinking to how I first felt when I was all into Mr. X from my old job. I use to think I wasn't good enough for him, because I felt so low on the totem pole of life. At the time I was a struggling 20 something college student with no claim to anything and Mr. X was this 30 something year old that was on the high end of the GS scale, just a couple of grades shy away from a manager or a director position. He had stablilty. However, I did learn a lesson out of the three year ordeal (or so) with Mr. X. In all reality, I was too good for him. It turned out he was all talk with nothing much to show for. I made moves in my life, while he only talked about them. He did have his good points, but after I discovered what he was really about, he wasn't the same debonair man I saw him as. What's funny is, it wasn't until around the time that I left the old job that Mr. X and I finally made sense to each other as we cleared the air about a lot of things. Because of that, we have remained friends.
With Mr. S, I don't know why I may have the same intial thinking as I did with Mr. X...me not being good enough. Certainly Mr.S hasn't treated me as such, but I can't help but feel a bit itimidated. If anything, what Mr. S has done is spark a worthy appreciation with me on a"just beacause" basis. He'll offer to do this or that, or give me this or that, but in the end I say "no thank you," because I don't want him to feel like I'm using him. Then later on, I may wonder, if they are all just empty words. My thinking is so agonizing and frustrating.
What's funny is, I don't even remember having these same feelings, of me not being good enough, when I first met Hazel. Maybe, it's because Hazel and I are somewhat on the same level...meaning, we are on the same level of where we are in our lives, in search of stability. Perhaps, in the end that's what I need, someone on the level as me in life.
However, I still have this lust or craving for affection. In my past life, I would satisfy myself with a fix of that person, that person or this person. I am amazed that I haven't been doing that lately. The temptation has certainly be in my face, especially since a couple of my male friends have been taunting me lately with there blunt thoughts about what they want to do to me and how. Yet, I've turned down every invitation, because there came a point in my life when I was tired of doing just that...getting a fix.
Sometimes I have to laugh, because it's almost like I'm becoming a prude, but I'm far from it. I just want that one special person, a companion. Maybe Mr. S is that person, maybe not. I just know I'm not holding my breath. I think I would be dead by tomorrow if I did such a thing.
Music & Wine
By: Blue Six
Album: Nude Dimensionsvalentine
hard to find
love is blind
acquaintances can be unkind
state of minds
show a sign
hope divine
just making love to pass the time
used to get high just to pass the time
music and wine were the only friends of mine
used to make love just to have a laugh music and wine were the only friends i had (here's that lovin' 2x)
bitter break
hard to take
hearts'll ache
this loneliness is hard to face
hollow soul
freezing cold
feelin' older
and poverty will take it's toll
used to get high just to pass the time
music and wine were the only friends of mine
used to make love just to have a laugh
music and wine were the only friends i had (here's that lovin' 2x)
gin and lime
summertime
starry nights
and memories of better times
ocean breeze
wind in leaves
waking dream
alive with possibility
here's that lovin' here's that lovin'
this love's for real that lovin'
here's that lovin'
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
6:15 PM ::
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