Thursday, April 20, 2006
Love Me, Release Me
Every so often, I'll acquire this deep sensation. It actually scares me sometimes because I can basically feel the depth of my heart and soul where the feeling is coming from. When I get this feeling, sometimes I cry, sometimes I try to supress the tears. Tonight was one of supression. Because of this, I'm now left to stew in my thoughts well after midnight when I should be sleeping.
My mind got to thinking and playing with certain ideas of affection, love, admiration and desire. I hate it when I let my mind roam into that realm, because I feel so exposed without necessarily being exposed to anyone. It's just me. It just amazes me how vulnerable I can feel towards myself.
Plenty of times, I've had male friends, sexual or not, ask me what do I desire most in which they could give me. A lot of times I will saying "nothing," because in all honesty there is nothing that I really desire from them that I can't (attempt to) do for myself. I've always been the "I-can-do-for-self" kind of gal. Then after some thought, maybe even several conversations later, I'll tell them what I desire of them.
I seek or desire relief. I desire a connection or a bond so powerful of the mind, body (flesh) and spirit, that my only release left to experience or express is through tears. I've only experienced this once in my life. It was with my ex, Brandon. I didn't break down, but in the middle of making love I felt the tears gathering in the corner of my eyes. It was actually the most beautiful thing in this world, because our love for each other was real. It was genuine. It's just unfortunate that in the end I wasn't fully ready to be the wife that he desired of me at such a young age.
I miss human contact on that (intimate) level. Then again, maybe I was using it to hide my ugly truth in my past life. True, I did use to use sex as a pacifier for my emotional turmoil, but at the same time I thrived off of it.
As I'm starting to peel back a few dead layers from that past, I'm realizing that I never really found a resolution to my initial desire...affection. Instead, I burried it with fake emotions and fucked up notions. I feel like I'm back at square one in a sense. However, what's different about this time... I'm loving myself a bit more than what I did.
Yet, that yearning will not go away. It may never will.
Weary
By:
Amel LarriuexAlbum:
MorningThis woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I’m made of stone
So I won’t end up with no broken bones
I can’t fight every battle alone
I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard
Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love upJust like that stop singing this soldier song(repeat)
whomever said love was overrated
must not be getting’ nonemy independent days have had their fun
but when the parties overand the workin’ day is done
I just want to come home to someone
I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one elseFear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard
Chorus
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
1:58 AM ::
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