Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I'm STILL Not Ready
I felt a sense of dejavu when my mother hit me with her bombshell late Saturday night. Just when I thought she had completely bounced back from the mini stroke she experienced last November, another health issue comes up.
"I have to check into the hospital on Wednesday. They want to check my heart. The left valve isn't pumping blood like it should."
We were standing in the middle of the kitchen when she casually, almost nonchalantly, told me this. I froze in my tracks. Then I tried to play it cool right along with her. It was like she was telling me something as casual as "the mailman didn't come today" in passing. A few minutes later I was up in my room, crying and on the verge of actually sobbing. All these thoughts immediately rushed my head. A stroke, as serious as it is, is one thing, but the heart... dear God it's just as vital as the brain!
Somehow I managed to calm down and call up, Cameron. I owed him a return phone call anyways and our conversation did manage to help take my mind off my mother's health issue. We spent nearly three hours on the phone laughing about some nonsense or another. Yet, when I was off the phone and my room was quiet, my worry for my mother settled back in.
When I did manage to finally close my eyes for sleep, they opened within a few hours later, because I couldn't take the dream or nightmare I was having. In the dream, I was riding with my mother onto Boiling AFB. We were passing my father's old job when I decided I wanted to show my mother some sort of shortcut to get to wherever we were going on the base. Somehow the shortcut led us back to my father's old building and I noticed how it was converted to some sort of triage. Immediately, I thought it had something to do with the Iraq war. I thought the wounded were being sent there first before they were bussed or helicopter to Walter Reed Hospital.
Then, when I noticed the kinds of patients that were there, I wanted to cry. They were mostly children and dogs. Some of the dogs were dead and a majority of the children were in comas hanging on for dear life while hooked up to all kinds of machines. My mother and I walked along this corridor until we reached this bed with a little boy that was unconscious and hooked up to a breathing machine. It turns out the little boy is my cousin from my father's side of the family. "Penta" is the grandson of Aunt VJ and Uncle Rich. In my dream, my mother looked as if she was on cell phone trying to locate Aunt VJ. I, on the other hand, had Aunt VJ on the brain but was desperately looking for one of my business cards to leave on Penta's bed....cot. However, each time I pulled out a business card that I thought was mine, another name would appear. I don't remember whose name actually appears. I pulled out several cards that looked to be mine, but they all had someone else's name. It was a different name for each card. Eventually I gave up and that's when I woke up.
For the past few days I have had no luck in getting a full fledge rest. I'm either rest broken or too scared to sleep for some reason. What's even scary is the fact that ever since I known about this, I've been seeing death in my dreams. I wake up with tears coming down my eyes, because in my dreams I'm planning someone's funeral and each time I find it hard to breathe and see myself getting dressed and wearing one of my mother's hats.
I keep telling myself, I'm not ready for the inevitable. I'm NOT READY!
I don't know what kind(s) of test are going be conducted tomorrow. I am keeping the faith that everything is going to be okay in the end. For the most part I am okay. When I see my mother doing her usual and is looking and feeling okay, then I'm okay. However, yesterday she was so tired and weak she could barely move. I worried and really wanted to go home. Yet, she was bit persistent about going to Pentagon City so I could take advantage of picking a few items from Nordstroms just before their Thursday sale. I ended up behind the wheel of her truck and drove her around.
Needless to say when we made home a little after 9 last night, she came in the house changed out of her clothes and went to bed. She was tired. Today she is full of energy with a side of the normal exhaustion she experiences. Tomorrow, we'll see how this pans out.
I'm just not ready....
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
8:26 PM ::
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