Saturday, July 29, 2006
Wuss or a Woman?
They say that when you buy something big, like a house, it's natural to feel remorse once the reality of the situation sets in. I'm guessing it kicks in when you first receive your morgage statement, or if the house is a "fixer-upper" the cost going into the house and some of the renovation challenges makes you doubt your purchase. If "buyer's remorse" is something you feel once you start to doubt your purchase, what is it called after you have "bought" into a job?
Here it is. I'm a month shy of reaching the six months mark at the new job, but yet I don't feel as passionate about it as I had the first two months. Yes, I know about the honeymoon phase and I know I'm long pass that phase now. Yet, as I sit here and write this I still wondering if I'm being a total crybaby about the way things are turning out so far or is this job not really the pefect fit for me. What's scary is the fact that while on my way to work last week, I began to feel that same discomfort I had at my last job, when I was in the government. I literally felt a pain in my stomach as I rode through Captiol Hill and then reaching Mr. Yellow's office. Somehow I chalked up the pain to be just gas and I sucked it up and went into work and prayed for five o'clock to hurry.
For the past month or so, I've gotten to experience Mr. Yellow's true colors as a supervisor. On one hand I feel it's understandable for him to be the way he is because it's HIS business and this is how he eats. However, sometimes some of his actions and comments are uncalled for. A particular thing that borthered me was during some time last week. One of the out of the office co-workers, Ms. AKA, has been dealing with the recent death of her father. Ms. AKA is another writer and we work back and forth on (sometimes) writing and reviewing material to be submitted to a DC government client of the firm. In being sensitive towards her situation, I didn't bother her when it came to reviewing some new material that came through. I went ahead and reviewed it for myself. When Mr. Yellow asked me about it he still wanted me to foraward the material to her. When I told him about how I didn't want to disturb her at this time his words, verbatium, were
"Well until she says she can't handle it, then you move it along, but until then just pass it to her."I thought that was a bit insensitive of Mr. Yellow and I'm mad at myself for not speaking up about it. However, what I think happened next made him rethink it. I ended up sending Ms. AKA an email and Ccing Mr. Yellow. My first thoughts to Ms. AKA were of me sending my sympathies and letter her know that if she needed anything that I would be available to her. Then I dropped down to another paragraph letting her know that I had already reviewed the following material, and if and only if she had the time to do so to review it. However, if she was unable to do so, just let me know.
No sooner had the email gone out, Mr. Yellow buzzed me on the intercom and told me to just go ahead and forward the material to the client. Maybe after he saw the email and thought about it, he came to his senses.
What's been bothering me the most about this job is that for the first time ever I'm starting to question my writing skills professionally. It's one thing for me to write something creatively and for leisure and have my doubts about it, because I find that those that read my work may see something in it that I may have never been able to see. Yet, when I do something on the journalistic/media side it's another ball game. The content may not be as "free" and instead of conveying my thoughts, I'm conveying a messsage that (I hope) will inform others.
What has me at this point of question is due to a somewhat long and drawn out ordeal. For a whole month I had been working on a story that will be published in a DC government publication the the firm produces. There's been a whole bunch of back and forth with the review and edits of the story, but in the end, the approved version still wasn't an accurate version. for the past week, I've working to save the intergity of my name and the name of the organization that I interviewed, by revising and imputting accurate information. Apparently the folks at the DC government agency that the publication is really from weren't too pleased with me submitting my revisions of the story after they had approved another version, the not so accurate version.
They felt, along with Mr. Yellow, that I did a total rewrite of the story. When in reality all I did was take out the wrong information, switched a couple of paragraphs around and inserted correct information. Yet, everyone was in a tizzy because they kept calling it a rewrite since I didn't work from the original approved story, which I actually did. In a meeting with Mr. Yellow, he claimed he wasn't faulting me, but yet he sat there and said I mostly likely didn't follow correct protocol, and in so many words said that because I was a journalism major in school I should know better than to have someone dictate or rewrite what was already written. I told him that is not what happen. I also mentioned the fact that "you" don't want to go around printing incorrect information neither.
I still don't know what is to become of this story. My point of contact is aware of the situation and she is sorry that this is taking place. She did overwhemling thank me for my hard work and is even considering pulling out of the ordeal. However, Mr. Yellow suggested that she go back and review the approved version and just write down what needs to be done in bullet proof form. From therer we would take the bullets and discuss them over with the client at the government agency. Will they approve or won't they?
As much as I like this job, I just don't know what to do right now. I'm faced with an unorganized out of the office freelance magazine staff, an aggressive superficial beauty queen who can be spoiled and doesn't understand the word "no" because it's not in her vocabulary, a boss that can be very impatient and stubborn, the brother of the boss whose presence really causes me discomfort when he comes around, no health benefits - well they were offered, but because my check is already low getting the insurance would make my check nonexistent, a salary that is lower than what I was making in the government, and an acquired uneasiness when I'm around my boss, because he can be very worrisome to the point where it's annoying and interrupts my writing.
Maybe all of the things I mentioned is merely child's play to someone elsewith (perhaps) bigger challenges. However, it's not like I'm not trying. I am trying to stick things out and work around some issues, especially in regards to the unorganized magazine staff. Howver, lately I've been asking myself this really worth it. Then I start comparing my situation to a shoe. I like the styleof the shoe and the heel, but it's a tad size too small. I feel cramped somehow and I need to breathe. Then, I start pulling out the resume to update. No sooner than that, I start skimming through the job ads. Before you know it, I've applied to five different companies.
All I can do is wait and see if all of this is really meant to be.
Am I really being a wuss about this or am I'm being as much of a woman as I can be?
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
9:24 PM ::
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