Tuesday, May 09, 2006
In Search of a Lyric to Complete My Melody
I'm doing it again. I'm becoming excited and hopeful (maybe a little obsessive) about something that isn't a sure thing. Mr. S and I spoke yesterday via text message over the cell phone. Something about him gives me such an adrenaline rush. We spent half the day going back and forth on our phones. I was at work completing a few follow ups to projects and he....well there is no telling where he was; work, at the airport, or maybe in a hotel room on the other side of the earth.
It started with me sending a note that said hello and him responding in (probably bad) French.
"Bonjour. Cava? Je taime."Of course he later translated what he said and from there we exchange other pleasantries. Actually, I wanted to speak to him on the business level, since I know a little about what he does and is involved with. I told briefly about my new job and how I may feature him in a future issue of the magazine. I was ready to leave the conversation alone when he agreed to find some time for us to sit down, have dinner and chat about a few things. However, just when I thought the conversation between us was over, a few minutes later my phone vibrates alerting me to a new message.
"How are you and your man doing?""What man?" I responded.
"The one that holds you tight and takes care of your needs."A bit shocked and blushing just a little I fumbled around trying to figure out what to say. I managed to come up with something and it was actually something I had been thinking about all weekend long.
"That is nonexistent. This is why I am in search of a lyric that will complement and complete my melody."
"What melody is that?" he asked.
"Me, as I am. Flaws and all."
After I responded with that, I had to ask him a question, but ask it in the undercover Mr. S way.
"What about you and your lady?"
"Don't know what that is. No one can handle my schedule. So I have given up til later."Now, obviously that was my chance to put my foot in the door to hold a place for me, but for some reason I felt guilty at the thought of even suggesting myself or being that forward. Besides, I didn't want to appear desperate or needy. So I took the spiritual road.
"It just takes a special person with a lot of patience."
"Don't know anyone with that kind of patience," He replied
."If you are serious about having someone in your life, just pray on it. It wouldn't hurt to ask (smile)."
"I have already left it in His hands."After I read that response, my heart started to flutter and for a minute or two I was blushing really hard. Then I felt a pain so bold in the pit of stomach that I literally stopped working on what I was doing. I stared at my phone with Mr. S' words written across the screen. A fear hit me.
What if I'm not the answer to his prayers? What if he isn't the answer to mine? I want him in my life in a bad way and I don't know why. I'm attracted to him... his "Joe Cool" personality, his humbleness, his kindness, his voice and his words. I'm utterly intrigued by this man.
It took me a minute or two to get my thoughts together to respond, but I finally managed to say,
"That's a beautiful thing my dear."
"Yeah. I had to stop being pressed."Somehow the conversation made the transition into old school slang terms that had me texting things like "that's fly" and "that's just stupid funky fresh!" By the end of the work day I was blushing all the way home. I missed talking with him even if it was just texting each other all day long. I was filled with a twisted sense of excitement and sadness all at once. What excites me is the fantasy of it all, that something could happen between us despite any obstacles. What's saddening to me is the fact that time doesn't seem to be on our side and I still feel as if I have a few things to purge myself of before I become involved with anyone.
I wanted to tell someone badly about what has taken place. I did get a chance to speak with Ms. C today. While talking with her I had to question myself on my patience. Could I handle a relationship with man like Mr. S that stays gone all the time? Technically, my last relationship, with Hazel, was somewhat like that. However his disappearing act was not business related. Him not being around frustrated and angered me. I even told him on a few occasions how I felt like the lonely housewife taking care of home while the husband is away playing.
So could I honestly handle another "invisible" boyfriend?
"No," Ms. C answered for me.
Internally I had to agree with her. I hated going through what I went through when I was with Hazel. On the flip side, in the midst of me agreeing with Ms. C, another part of me tried to be convincing by creating a false reality that things could work out if we ever reached that level. That part of my brain kept saying "you all could be another Oprah and Stedman...just life long companions. No fuss."
The funny thing is, I kind of like the idea of being just another Oprah and Stedman, since I'm not totally sold on the idea of marriage...at least not right now.
Tonight, I talked to MO and told her all about Mr. S. In so many words, her advice was to let things ride. Hold on to him if I can, because she feels there can be potential. If they work out they do and if not then take it for what it's worth.
Right now, I don't want to be presumptuous about anything between Mr. S and I. I learned the hard way a long time ago that feelings and spirits can easily bruise and even dissolve when all the high expectations are nonexistent. If anything, I just want to get to know Mr. S more. I want to go below the surface of what I already know.
Who knows.. maybe..eventually.....he'll become the lyric.
Listening to:
TwistedBy:
Ultra NateI can't stop thinking about it.
It's captured in my soul.
Crazy things you're doing
You know I'm loosing control.
The harder I fight the better it feels
When it finally takes over
Leaves my body shaking
The harder I fight, The better it feel
When it finally takes me over
Leaves my mind torn.
I'm twisted.
Can't believe what you've done to me.
Twisted on your love.
Can't believe you're making love to me.
I'm pushed to the limit.
Strained against the wall.
Driving deeper inside,Till you reach my heart.
The harder I fight the better it feels
When it finally
Takes me over
Leaves my body shaking.
The harder I fight the better it Feels
When It finally takes me over
Leaves my mind torn.
I'm twisted.
Can't believe what you've done to me.
Twisted on your love.
Can't believe you're making love to me.
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
10:39 PM ::
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------oOo---------------