Sunday, March 26, 2006
What I Decided
In my past life as Blackvelveteen, I dealt with various gentlement callers. Some were and still are good friends of mine and others were nothing more than just a fix in the midst of ailing life as an emotional wreck. Then there was Hazel, a guy who I fell in love with on the fast track. Okay, so perhaps a part of what I was feeling was lust, but it was more than infactuation. I was facinated with him and how he operated. When we first met, I felt some sense of renewal. For a whole year I was drifting away on some cloud and believing in a false reality. I became hysterically blind to any damage that was being done on both our parts and forced myself to live a lie. Somewhere we took a wrong turn which eventually led us to huge falling out by the end of the year and now placing us in a place where we are, or a least I am, so confused about us.
I'm sure the confusion on his end comes from responding to me. Some days I can deal with him as a friend. We'll talk on the phone. We'll do our usual tic for tac joking and we can talk like civilized people. Other times, especially when I have flash backs of what took place between us in the latter part of September into October, I become angry and he becomes a huge turn off to me. I can't get pass the hurt I felt back then. I've been forgiving, but I can't forget. Sometimes when my mind flashes back to it, I cry. What hurts the most is that I honestly loved him to the core, but he didn't realize it until afterwards.
What caused me to love him like I did? I'm not sure. Maybe it was the way I found an instant connection with him when we first started to talk. I peeled away layers of myself and stood before him exposed, literally and figuretively. He did the same for me. There were times when I would just listen to him vent about whatever the lastest family drama was, or just his own issues as a man. I felt compelled and wanted to help him out anyway I could. I stood behind him.
Maybe that was it, I was so far behind he stopped seeing me. I was invisible, but he called it giving me my space. He didn't want to be an added "problem in my life", but I needed him.
Nevertheless, ever since our fallen out, he has been calling a bit more or (thanks to the wonders of technology) he'll shoot me a text message or email here and there. I guess what confuses him even more is when I respond to it half the time. I'll return a call or two. I'll send an email or text message or two. Then out of nowhere, I'll go back to being silent. Then it starts back up again.
The week before I left for New York, I joked with him about cooking dinner. Actually, I felt he owed it to me from a time when we were together and he promised to cook for me, but never got around to it. However, he took it as a serious task and that Friday after work, I was greeted with a nice meal. Not just any meal, a Sunday meal of baked chicken, string beans and rice on a Friday evening. The moment was a bit awkward, but still comfortable in a way. While I chowed down, he was in the midst of doing a few house keeping things. Then after he settled down a bit and I was done, we sat in silence... well not in total silence as Dave Chapelle was cracking jokes off his MP3 player.
It may seem stupid to sit in silence, but sometimes silence can be so loud. A lot can be said in silence. I looked at Hazel and I longed to be back the way we were when we first met. When things were fresh. He looked at me and felt compelled to lay his head on my shoulder and that's how we stayed for a while. I did have sense enough to leave his house at a decent hour. I just can't let this thing get any more perplexing than it is if I throw in sex.
What catches me off gaurd is how he still sees me as his future wife. What scares me is that I may not feel the same way. Once upon a time I could phatom him being..possibly.. my future husband, but now....I don't even know about that. I could weigh the pros and cons of this until the cows come home and still be confused about it all.
Why does he have such a hold my heart? I wish I knew.
Since I have taken on this whole rebirth phase that my life is going through right now, Hazel hasn't been a major factor, but his presence is there. It's right in the back, holding up the wall like slanted beam or something. Some of my friends tend to believe I still have feelings for him. I'll shoot back at them in a defensive way and tell them "hell no."
However, in recent days, in my thinking I've come up with this. While I'm confused about the situation, and as Ms. C pointed out to me before.. my love for him didn't occur overnight so it's not going to go away overnight. While I feel like I can't be with him right now... one thing that I that I have decided... or rather admitted to.... I still love him.
702 - I Still Love You (With Pharrell Williams of the Neptunes)See everybody needs someone by their side
And I can't go on without you another night
Since companionship's been gone
My life has been so slow without you, you
See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you
And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you
See if you believe that you and me can change the world someday
Then you'll believe me when I say
I still love you
I still love you
I decided I still love you
I still love you
I decided
So what do you think
Lets get back together (lets get back together)
There's nothin' it could hurt
It could only get better
Think of what it last felt like
For you and I to turn our nights
Into forever
See...see
See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you
And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you
See if you believe that you and me could change the world
someday
Then you'll believe me when I say
I still love you
I still love you
I decided I still love you
I still love you
I decided
Never dreamed I'd be so happy and sure of myself
Baby life without you is so dark (so dark, so dark)
Now I know it'll never be me lovin' someone else
This precious love
You're my shining star
I remember when we first fell in love
I was too young to know what it was
I couldn't address what made me melt
But quick to tell you how it felt
That love was so real
And it still is
I still love you
I still love you
I decided I still love you
I still love you
I decided
Just think of the things we planned to do, me and you
Like changing the face of the moon that we once knew
So long as the sun is yellow, oceans are blue
And then we can laugh and cry the days and nights through
Posted by KomplexPhemale ::
1:21 AM ::
2 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------oOo---------------